Thing 1 will be needing therapy

Yesterday Thing 1 was begging me to let him watch TV. I told him no because he’s not allowed to watch TV all day. So after a few minutes of “mmooooommmm, can I watch cartoons” I told him if he was bored he should go clean his room. He then starts in with “I can’t clean my room”. Now at this point I’m pissed so cleaning is not an option, it’s an order.

He keeps up with the “I can’t” crap so I tell him Santa is watching him and he won’t get any toys if he’s naughty. Mom 101, right? To that he replies “How does he watch me”. So I get on the computer, google “Santa” and pull up some random site with Santa pics on it. I then proceed to tell him I’m going to email Santa right now and tell him that Thing 1 won’t clean his room.

Advantage: mommy!

So he goes to clean up his room. He comes out and asks if Santa is going to bring him toys now. I google “Santa list” and pull up some random site that allows you to enter a name. I enter his name and it says “Nice” or some crap like that. All is now right with the world.

For shiggles I put my name in. It comes back with “Maybe…a little more trying to be good”

Oh snap! Santa is on to my ass!!

How flippin cute is this?

You can have your kid design their own stuffed monster!

http://www.curlyqcuties.com/

Is it bad that I’m 30 and I want one?

An odlie but a goodie

When I was in HS I dated this guy my senior year. We’ll call him the swimmer. After HS he moved 2 hours north with his parents. We dated that summer but that fall when I stared college I broke up with him because college was too much fun. It was a bad breakup. Looking back, I was an ass to him. But whatever.

So, after about a year of playing the field I kinda missed him. We talked a few time, I went to his sisters wedding with him, etc. Then we stopped talking. About that time one of my HS friends was getting married. Perfect! My shot to show him how hot I was and how much fun I was having single.

But that wouldn’t make for a funny story, would it? Nope.

At this time I had recently chopped my hair off really short and it was newly blond. I really didn’t know how to fix it myself for a wedding so I went to my favorite gay hairdresser for him to work his magic. I told him what I wanted. I wanted it chunky and messy ala Meg Ryan in the late 90’s. Well, it seems my hairdress has 1) no idea who Meg Rayn is or 2) hates me. He spends a good hour screwing with my hair and at the end it looks like my hair is up in rollers, sans the rollers!

OMFG! I want to cry, but I’m running very late for the wedding. So I get dressed in my ass kicking black dress with hooker heels. Yes, I wore black to a wedding. They were 19 years old, they didn’t care.

So I’m in the car driving trying to fix me hair so I don’t look like my nana. I get to the church and I’m still pulling Bobby pins out of my curl fro. Thankfully my old BFF is sitting next to me and I give him all the pins to hold in his pocket.

At this point my hair is so-so. I hate it, but it’s not enough to make small children run in fear. The reception goes on with little excitement. Ex-BF barely acknowledges my existence. After the wedding we all head out to a bar, ex included. Now we are all 19yrs old so I don’t quite know why they served us, but they did.  And they did a lot.

By now I’m quite drunk. Trying my best to look cute, fun, and like the “one that got away”. Looking back I’m guessing I looked: drunk, desperate and like “the one that forgot her lithium”. Now I have to go to the bathroom. I grab my BFF for this venture as we don’t fly solo to the restroom. And now my hooker heels fail me. I go to get off the bar stool and my heel gets stuck in one of the rungs.

Down I go like a ton of bricks. I don’t think I actually hit the floor, just sprawled off the stool ever so elegantly. It’s at this time I hear the ex-bf call me a “silly drunk bitch”.

Oh snap! Thankfully I had too much vodka in my system to give a damn. Me and my BFF just started laughing and sauntered to the restroom. I think the ex-bf left after that but I’m not sure. I stopped acknowledging his existence after that.

Funny how 12 year later I still remember that like it was yesterday.

All I want for Christmas is..

Forget world peace and all that jazz. I have a list a mile long. But I don’t want it for Christmas, I want it right now. I’m thinking about going to get it all this week. I might as well do it all at once and send the hubby into shock, rather than pick it up one at a time and give him a lot of mini strokes. See how thoughtful I am? Always thinking of others.

So lets see what I want:

A kitchenaid mixer

A flash for my camera with a tripod and a remote

Pergo in the family room -ideally Pergo everywhere but even I am too cheap to pay for that

Uggs – but I can’t have them (see earlier post)

That’s all I can think of for now. Maybe I should set up a paypal and you all could send me money. If I get $200 I’ll show my boobs. That is a discount. I normally charge $400.

Bwahaha!

6,660 views as of today. That’s an evil number. Fits in with the theme of the weekend. Me and my work BFF talk crap at work about people all the time. This weekend we even got another girl in on the fun. And she’s not the crap talking type. It was so funny to lure her over to the dark side.

But I was informed by my WBFF that I can not under any circumstances by Ugg boots. I ran the thought by him and he quickly vetoed it. I even promised to never wear them out of the house, they would be purely indoor shoes. Still was told “no”. Bummer, I really think they look super comfy. But I know deep down he is right and I would be a total tool to buy them. I hate when he’s right.

Guess what I get to do this week? Interview a new chick for a position at our work. I was already told by one of my co-workers that I can’t let them hire any ugly chicks. LMAO

Attention readers

I have been too easy on you. I expect nothing of you, not even comments. Although not leaving a comment makes puppies cry, but whatever. Then I read this story:

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=6035334

These girls were trying to become cheerleaders so the older girls gave them a little initiation. They went into their rooms, blindfolded and duct taped them, kidnapped them, then threw them in a pool.

Sa-week!

So, starting next week there will be an initiation to read my blog. It will take me a while to get to you all, but I will. Please leave your door unlocked for me, I really don’t want to have to break down doors. Oh, and lock up any dogs. Ok? It’s too cold to throw people in pools, so I’m thinking I’ll pose you all nude ala Abu Ghraib. Or maybe I’ll do something different to surprise you. Anyone against tattoos?

What? You mean it’s not going to win an Academy Award?!

I was looking online today and I saw 2 reviews of the movie Twilight and they said the movie was not good. Did the reviewers really go into this movie thinking it was going to be cinematic gold? We they hoping for a “Best Picture” nomination for the movie?  A little Oscar buzz perhaps?

I’m going to throw this out there. I expect the movie to average and may even go so far as to say I expect it to kinda blow. I’m not going to see it for the acting. I’m going to see it for the love story.

Look at the book. It’s not Tolstoy were talking about. It’s a fluff book. It’s not a literary masterpiece. But it is a good love story and who could ask for more.

So I will sit there with my tub of buttered popcorn, my huge Pepsi and watch this peice of crap. And I will not be disapponited if it sucks.

I will be disappointed if I don’t see some abs. Any abs.

Poop. It’s always good for a chuckle

Thing 1- Mom, does Superman poop on the planet?

Me- What? No.

Thing 1- Nah, just kidding. But where does he poop?

Me- In the toilet.

Thing 1- But what about when he’s in outerspace. Does he poop on the planet?

Me- No. He holds it till he can get to a toilet.

Thing 1- Oh.

I’m breaking my own rule here

Just this one time I’ll do it. I guess. I swear if I find my face photoshopped on some screwing a horse I’m going to be pissed. LMAO

My DVR screwed me over

I think I mentioned on here how I quit watching Heroes. This season has sucked really bad and I fianlly washed my hands of the show.

So last night we were watching Alvin and the Chipmunks on HBO on demand. I noticed the hubby had some show recording on the DVR as well. Well, I never stopped having Heroes recorded each week. So at 8pm, the Chipmunk movie stopped out of nowhere and the DVR said I was recording Heroes. I guess you can only have 2 things going at once. Since I was recording something for the hubby and watching on demand, the on demand lost and Heroes won.

So the DVR makes me turn on Heroes. Damn if the episode didn’t rock! I’m sucked back in now. I so wanted Elle (?) so just start making out with Sylar last night. They have major chemistry. Hot, hot, hot. But why do they have to be on the “bad” side. Or is it the “bad” side. Damn show.