“Heck no, I won’t latch”

That’s the theme in my house this week. Thing 2 has decided to go on a nursing strike. He will not go near the book. He arches his back like it’s a knife I’m trying to put in his mouth. I’m beyond frustrated and upset about it. I don’t know what to do. I wanted to BF till a year this time but I will not pump for 5 more months. I don’t get enough pumping to keep up with him and I don’t like pumping enough to do it full time. Any idea how long these stikes last? Any advice?

Another thing I don’t get

The Jonas Brothers.

They seem like really nice kids. Really, they do. And if I was 12 I’m sure I’d think they were cute. But their music is horrible! The songs are catchy, I’ll give then that. But they sing through their nose so bad. It’s like I’m singing on the radio. Am I the only one who thinks this? I can’t be, right?

Still, I enjoy them much more than Hannah Montana/Miley Cirus.

A jump start to my diet

A 700+ pound person is freaking HUGE in real life. HUGE! As big as you’d imagine them to be, think bigger.

That is all.

Sharing with the class

This weekend a co-worker decided to about his night out this week. Yippee!

It’s starts with him going out and getting shit faced drunk. Upon leaving the bar with his friends he decides he needs to pee. So what does he do? He whips out his wang and starts peeing. But it gets better. It just so happens that there is a cop right there who sees him holding his member for all to see. The cop approaches and co-worker goes on to taunt the cop asking him if he wants to “hold his cock”.

Now, 2 questions pop into my mind. 1- why did the cop not haul his ass into jail. I would have. But her got off with a ticket. And 2 – why are you sharing this story! I would never tell my co-workers if that happened to me. Well, mainly because that would cause me to have to explain to them why I have a penis and that’s was to long of a story to get into at work.

Later that night, other co-worker is still laughing about it and she says “ahh, kids today”. No “kids today”. Dude is my age, and that’s old enough to have passed your 10 year reunion, I’ll leave it at that. No grown man should be doing shit like that.

So we gave him a nickname. Possible ones were: the sausage wrangler, the cock crook, and the member marauder. But, in the end, the boner bandito won out.

Let me set the scene

It’s 4:30 in the morning. You didn’t get to sleep till 11pm and have to wake up at 6am. That night you get to work all night so this is the only sleep you’ll get till Saturday morning.

And action:

You wake to a hand on your boob. You ignore said hand, hoping it is an axe murder who will quickly end your misery. Hand leaves your boob and starts rubbing your back. This is not going to end well. You still pretend to be asleep. Back rubs moves to an ass grab!

Ack! What’s a girl to do? I’m not wasting me few precious hours of sleep on sex, that’s for sure.

So I forcefully roll over, away from the perpetrator, and mumble “what the fuck are you doing”. An evil voice responds back “I though we could fool around”. I suppress a laugh and respond back “It’s 4:30 in the morning, leave me alone”.

The monster storms out of bed and I fall back asleep.

End scene

A sequel! Already?

Well, after the overwhelming success of the 1st, I should have known another was just a stones throw away.

I’m talking about Thing 2 teeth of course! He’s got his 2nd tooth now. This time it’s an upper tooth. And now he has the capability to really chomp down on my boob. Which he so kindly demonstrated this morning. Nothing like being 1/2 asleep at 6 am, feeding the baby and feeling something tear through your nipple to wake you up. I thought for a second I might actually throw him off the bed, as a reflex. I didn’t though. Hold off on your call to CPS please.

Thread jack! I actually just told Thing one I was going to go upstairs and “put y’alls clothes away”. Wow! Where did that bit of hillbilly come from? Next I’ll be wearing a house coat the the grocery store with rollers in my hair, smoking a cigarette.

Could I have finally been wrong?

I guess it was bound to happen once in my life.

I’ve always been a bit of a brand snob. The hubby cringes when I make him buy Thing 2 Pampers Cruisers and refuse the Luvs. Although, Pampers baby wipes blow goats. But that’s another story.

So, I always got Thing 1 and 2 Gerber baby food in the jars. Well, a few weeks ago the grocery store was out of the foods Thing 2 can eat so I resorted to Beechnut baby food.  Imagine my surprise when I realized it was better! The Gerber food is so runny and thin. The Beechnut is thicker and the stage 3’s actually have little (but mushy) chunks in them! Much better for getting the little one used to the texture of real food.

So, now that I know I was wrong about this it makes me wonder: could I have been wrong about other things?

Nah! That’s just silly.

Warning! Mom brag ahead

Thing 1 read his 1st book! I’m so proud if him!

I’ve been working with him on sounding out words for a while. He have a series of books on learning to read by Innovative Kids. It’s a great product.Small books with easy to read words.

Well, this week he finally read a book. Last night I even tested him with random words from the book to make sure he didn’t just memorize the book. And he didn’t! He knew all the words I gave him.

I’m the worlds worst “teacher” so this is so exciting for me, LOL

Just a reminder

If you have not tried the recipe I posted from Guy Fieri a few weeks ago, you are a moron. Really, this is the best meal I have ever made. I swear it tastes like I got it from a restaurant.

So since I love his food so much I’ve decided to put this out there. Guy, will you marry me and be my 2nd husband? You can cook for me all day long. Of course, I will gain a few hundred pounds so I hope you’re ok with that. And I don’t think my 1st husband will allow any sex to happen. But it could still be fun… for me… eating.

On second though, this may be a bad idea. After eating tonight I had to unbutton my jeans. And they were my new size 4 jeans so I don’t want to bust the seams on them. Yeah, we should scrap the marriage thing. Never mind.

I always did like the name Damien

I was getting ready for work this weekend and hubby asked me if I had read the book he and Thing 1 had checked out from the library. i had, so I asked him why he asked. He said “didn’t you see anything weird on the cow?”

Now, let me tell you what the book is. It’s a kids book called Cowboys and it’s by Glen Rounds. It’s just a normal kids book, or so I thought.

So I grab the book and flip though it. I don’t see anything odd. Then, suddenly I see it. On one of the pages there is a run away cow. This cow is branded with the numbers “666″ on it! I look at the hubby and ask him if it’s a joke. I look closely at the page to see if some kid has drawn it on there. Nope. It’s really on there.

At this point Thing 1 comes over to see what I’m looking at. He points to the cow and says “oohh, that’s a bad number”.

I snap my head over to the hubby. “Did you tell him that?’ I asked. He says “no” and that he didn’t say anything to Thing 1 about it. So where did a 4 year old learn that 666 is a “bad number”. How creepy is that. And WTF is 666 doing in a kids book?