Remember your wedding?

How wonderful it was. How pretty you looked. How nice all your friends cleaned up for the occasion. Well, let’s hope your memory is correct and that your wedding didn’t really look like this:

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1137571101/bctid1137569097

I am so sore

From what you are asking yourself. Did you work out? A long run? Sex marathon?

I laugh at all your suggestions. The sad truth is I’m sore from painting my bedroom. How out of shape do you have to be to be sore from painting.

My bedroom looks cute, but I forgot how much I LOATH painting. And more then that, I loath painting with 2 kids bothering me all day. Hubby said he didn’t understand why I didn’t just paint at night. Umm, hello asshat. I’m up all night feeding the nipple biter. I need what little sleep I do get!

I’m tired.

STFU lady!

Saturday night I made lasagna for dinner and started making the items I was bringing to my mom’s for Easter. So my kitchen was a flippin mess. After dinner, hubby said he’s take Thing 1 and 2 on a walk to get out of my hair so I could clean. Sounds like a dick thing to say, but it was great because I clean much faster then if he helped me.

Well, I’m almost done and I hear a bang on the door. It sounds like when Thing 1 knocks on the door. I almost opened the door yelling “It’s unlocked!” but resisted somehow. It wasn’t Thing 1, it was his little friends and their mom. They wanted to know if THing 1 wanted to go ride bikes with them.

Just at this moment Thing 1 came home. Sadly, his bike got a falt the day before so he couldn’t go. So we stood infront of the house talking. The mom asked if Thing 1 had a scooter, “no” I tell her.  So she looks at Thing 1 and says “well maybe the Easter Bunny will bring you one”. WTF?! It’s the night before Easter and she’s hinting to my son that he will get a scooter. Ummm, no he won’t. Why the hell would you say that?

Thankfully Thing 1 just looked at her like she had two heads and said “no, candy”.

Dumbass.

How bad would I be?

Ok, when I had Thing 1 I got swept up in cloth diapering. We started using cloth on him when he was 4 months old till he was almost 2. When he turned 2 we moved into out new house and I went back to work FT so it just didn’t work for us anymore. So when I get pregnant with Thing 2 DH points put that I still have the cloth diapers and can use them with this baby.

Yippee! Except I don’t want to. I didn’t mind yucky diapers in the base housing we were in, but now that it’s MY house I don’t want the smell.  So, I’ve been using the “he’s too tiny for the diapers we have” excuse for a few months now. Well, DH still thinks I’m going to use them when he gets bigger.

Now here is where I get bad. My washer and dryer are 7 years old. I think using the cloth might be enough to send it over the edge. So, how bad would I be if I just use cloth to kill the machines so I can get my precious front loading, pretty color, on a stand washer and dryer? Pretty bad, right?

Oh, I’m going to Ikea today… jealous?

OMG!

Attention all readers. It appeare the planet has been taken over by aliens. These aliens resemble that of a flower. These “flowers” have been spotted attacking innocent babies and the pic are on the internet!

Warning, the following pics are not for the faint of heart. Poor, poor innocent babies.

Screw you Oprah

In my life I’ve seen Oprah only a handful of times because, well,  I hate her. Please spare me your hate mail on how Oprah is your Lord and savior or whatever it is she has you tell people. I am immune to her mind control.

Well, on one of the few shows that I had the misfortune of seeing she had on this woman who had cracked the code of baby cries. Oprah sat there amazed as they listened to baby cries and the other woman explained what they all meant. So, I’ve been listenting to Thing 2 to see what his cries mean.

Well, either my child is too dumb to even know the baby talk which “all babies 0–3 months old say—regardless of race and culture”  or he really likes Wham! Because all I hear is “Whaaa, whaaa, whaaa” which is 2 month old for Wham! I assume.

Well, I am not about to listen to Wake me up before you Go-Go all day long so he is just going to have to continue crying.

I’ve hit rock bottom

I just climbed up on a bar stool to get some candy out of a cabinet that I hid for Easter. I remember when I would climb up on a bar and dance while slamming down shots, now I’m hunting for candy, LOL.

Sad, so sad.

One of my favorite websites

Not sure if you’ve ever seen this site, but you should. It’s Worth 1000 and it is a bunch of photoshop challenges. I could spend hours just looking at the different challenges. I suggest you do the same.

http://www.worth1000.com/galleries.asp

The horror, the horror

So, yesterday the hubby and I were talking about something to do with Thing 1. We disagreed about what to do and I threw down my ace in the hole. I said “He came out of my vagina so I get to decide”. Well Thing 1 heard this and yelled across the room “No! I came out of your belly”.

Poor thing, I almost scarred him for life.

New category

I’ve added a new category to my blog. It will be TheVirtualVoyeur’s guide to life. Each post will deal with a different topic in Q&A form. To kick it off, let’s start with parenting.

Q: My son won’t eat his veggies. What can I do?

A: I have one word for you: Dobhoff. It’s a lovely little feeding tube. Insert that bad boy in and force the veggies down. Warning, puree them good because that tube clogs easily.

Q: How do I potty train my 3 yr old?

A: Get rid of the diapers. If s/he wets her pants you have 2 options. Hit their nose with a news paper or rub their nose in it. Either works just as well

Q: My 3 month old won’t sleep thought the night, help!

A: Ok, this takes a few steps. First go to your Dr and tell him you can’t sleep. Request some Ambien for yourself. Go home and crush pills. Add them to the child’s bottle. Enjoy your sleep .

Q: Should I go back to work and put my child in daycare?

A: No, only mothers who hate their kids do this. Daycare is the tool of the Devil. If you loved your kid you’d keep them home with you where they belong.

Q: I’m going back to work next week, how can I make the daycare transition smooth?

A: Good for you for going back to work. Lazy SAHM’s do nothing and their kids suffer. Daycare is great for all kids. Kudos!

Q: My DH is Jewish and I’m Christian. What religion should we teach our kids?

A: Don’t be glib. You don’t know the history ofreligion. I KNOW the history of religion. Tom and I know religion. We have the best religion $ can buy. I love my religion (jumping on couch and pumping fists). Woo-hoo! help me, please….

Hello, this is the Church of Crazy Religion. TheVirtualVoyeur has stepped away from her computer right now for a little reprogramming fresh air. Thank you and All Hail Tom.