I found our book!

When it is our turn to host Thing One’s book club, I finally decided on a book:

I think it will be a hit.

Where does one buy a plastic bubble?

Argh, Thing One has a runny nose and his voice is hoarse. Poor thing. I’m so afraid he’s gonna get Thing 2 sick. Since Thing 2 is too little for anything other then Tylenol, that would blow big time. So now I’m in the market for a plastic bubble. Should I check ebay?

Yesterday we got a call from the school we checked out in Jan for the kids. We wanted a place for them both. We checked the place out. When we waked in the place reeked of dirty diapers. Could have been a fluke so we continued with the tour. We went into the baby room and I walk straight into this:

yes, those are cribs and I use the term loosely. Apparently, dog crates double as baby cribs these days.I wouldn’t stick my dog in a cage that only had ventilation on one side, why would people think it is OK to put a baby in there?! I guess it’s safe to say the kids won’t be going there.

Damn you convection oven

So, Sunday we drove up to visit my mom and step dad. They made dinner and I made my favorite dessert. I decided to cook it up there, since it is best right out of the oven.

My mom has this damn convection oven that she never bothered to read the instructions on. Every time she cooks something she almost burns it, or does burn it. So I’m not thinking and put it in the oven while we eat dinner. 10 minutes later (it should take 45 min to cook) it’s burnt on the top and goo on the bottom. Bummer! I wanted to eat that.

Oh well, I gorged on chips and Hershey bars there so I guess I can’t bitch too much. It would go straight to my ass as it is.

2 kids, a bike, and a jogging stroller

What does that equal? Hell, that’s right hell.

So I loaded up the kids to go running yesterday. I’m over waiting for the hubby to get home to go for a run. What a mistake that was.

Thing One loves to ride his bike. He’ll ride it for miles. Except yesterday.  Yesterday he started a record breaking whine-fest about 1/2 way though the run. You’d think I was making him race in the Tour de France the way he was throwing a fit. I had to threaten to throw the damn bike away if he didn’t knock it off.

And on to Thing Two. Fed him then gently placed him in the jogging stroller to not wake him up. No such luck. Screamed for about 10 minutes till he fell asleep. Thank God for my Ipod. Once he fell asleep I could concentrate on what a pain in the ass it is to run with a stroller. I felt like the Hunchback of Notre Dame running.

But, I did it. I didn’t quit like I wanted to. Not sure I’ll attempt that again. I guess I’ll just wait for the hubby after all.

What have you done with my husband

So, last night we’re watching American Idol. Yes, I just put that down in writing. We are losers who watch AI. Us, along with all the tweens in the United States. Even though every season we say we are not watching it again. although I can admit I have not voted since Clay lost. Wait, did I just admit I voted for AI? Damn!

So, we’re watching last night and I mention to the husband that he missed my new least favorite person this season. She was a nasty bitch IMHO. So, when they show the recap at the end, hubby says “yeah, she’s an attention whore”

OMG! Did my husband really just say attention whore? Suddenly I got flutters in my stomach and remembered why I fell in love with him. I saw a flicker of the fun guy I used to know, who had since been replaced by a almost 30 yr old dad of 2 who can talk of nothing but money. I felt like Davey Jones from the Monkees when he’d see a chick he’d like and get “stars” in his eyes. I love the Monkees.

So, Thing One has been invited to a book club. What is a pre-schooler going to discuss at a book club? How nice the pages were to color on? Unless we read the Spiderman book for the 500th time, he won’t care enough to discuss anything. Plus, I’m going to have to host it one week, so not only will I have to clean but I will have to make snacks. I’d rather run with my Pity Friend.

I’ll fill you in on how it turns out, it starts in May.

I live next to the prom queen

Have you ever known someone that is just friends with everyone? Everyone just loves them. Well that is my next door neighbor. If our community had a prom, she would be prom queen. Now, we’re friend but just by default. If I didn’t like next door I’m sure she wouldn’t talk to me because I’m not in the community in crowd. I’m too shy to get involved with people I don’t know.

So, the prom queen (TPQ) is a runner. I am a crappy runner, but trying to get better. Last week Thing 1 was outside playing with TPQ’s kids. I go out to get him and TPQ is talking to another chick. She introduces me and says “hey, other chick wants to start running again, you should run together” as she runs inside to get a piece of paper for us to exchange phone numbers on. So new chick leaves and I say to TPQ “is she a good runner, because I suck and I don’t want to embarrass myself” I really am a site to see run. Once I get any distance into it I practically start crying that I’m gonna die and I want to throw up. I’ve even dry heaved to convince hubby to stop, LOL. So TPQ says “I don’t know, I really don’t know her”

That’s when it hits me: I just got set up with a pity friend! A friend that wasn’t good enough for TPQ so she got given to me. So now I have to do the awkward task of calling Pity Friend to go running. I may dry heave so I can get out of this too.

Clitter, it’s glitter for your..well just watch it

Warning, NSFW!

As seen on TV

Ever get into an argument on the internet? Had some stranger comment on your kids picture? Felt the need to give someone a virtual hand slap for something they typed? Then have we got the product for you!

It slices, it dices! Oh wait, it doesn’t.

It removes stubborn stains and odors! Crap, doesn’t do that either.

It will make cleaning easier! No? Well what the hell will it do?

It will shut off your computer! Yes, we here at VV enterprises have come up with an ingenious invention called the “Off button”. When you find yourself getting to wrapped up over strangers on the internet, simply use our patent pending “Off button”

No need to argue with people, get pissed and yell at strangers, or even “leave” a message board. No sir! Just click our “Off button” and get your ass off the computer.

Now how much would you expect to pay for a device to revolutionary? $49.99? No! $29.99? Not even close! How about two easy payments of $9.99? Still too much! We are now offering the “Off button” at the introductory price of… FREE! That’s right, free (less S&H).

The “Off button” because:

*******disclaimer, the Virtual Voyeur not responsible of any cats killed by God or other spiritual entities. The “Off button” may not end your stupidity, but it will end the argument. Patent pending*********

Murphy’s Law?

Is there something in Murphy’s Law that states when you want to spend money you can’t find jack shit to buy? If not, there should be.

Really, why is it if you have no intention of spending money you can find a million things you “need”. It happens every time.  Bush wants me to spend money to help jump start the economy. Well, I’m trying. But the world is conspiring against me.

And while I’m wallowing in my self pity, WTF is up with nursing shirts?  Does no one sell them? How can so many people breast feed, yet there are no place to buy BF’ing shirts. I hate walking into Motherhood to buy them because I swear to God if someone were to ask me if I was pregnant I’d go on a shooting rampage. Maybe that’s why I don’t own a gun.

I’ve solved my husbands outfit problems

No longer will I be woken up at 6 am! For I am going to buy my husband Garanimals

What are they you ask. Well I’ll tell you. I saw a commercial for them on TV last night. It appears WalMart will be selling them. The clothes will be outfitted with an animal. Let’s say for example an elephant. Any clothes the sell with that animal on it, the elephant, will all match. Genius! It’s like a Gymboree line, except not cute! So as long as hubby can pick out the same animal he’s all set.

I know that still may pose a problem, but I think he’s up to the challenge. Now, the size may be an issue, but dammit I don’t care. He can squeeze into a kids 7 if it means not waking me up!